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Quite often, I will say to my best friend: “Do you want to work from home together?”

Or perhaps: “Mind if I tag along for your errand?”

Other times, it might be this: “Are you free this afternoon? Would you like to read together at the beach? By that, I mean read our own books or materials.

For a while now, this has been the way I’ve tried to nourish the friendship, by being in each other's company while doing different tasks.

I’ve always valued quality time with loved ones, but as I grow older, it has become harder to do so as other commitments crowd in to keep me preoccupied.

As something of a compromise, rather than letting these relationships wither, I have come to appreciate simply being together in the same space while we are doing our own activities. For instance, we may sit together outdoors but read or use our phones separately.

Still, I can’t help but wonder: Does spending time together like this, where I’m present but not fully engaged with my friend, help in sustaining or deepening a friendship?

Is it enough to keep up with friends this way while juggling other commitments and priorities as we grow older?

And if not, how may we be more intentional about keeping strong friendships in adulthood, when everyone is busy?

WHAT CHIPS AWAY AT ADULT FRIENDSHIPS?

To go back to basics, how important is it to ensure that friends continue to clock in face-to-face time together as we grow older? After all, the online world has made it so easy to keep in touch virtually.

Does a reduced level of personal interaction necessarily cause adult friendships to fall apart?

The answer I got from experts in the field of relationships is that, to some extent, not being able to spend quality time together does affect friendships.

After all, relationships require effort to grow. And quality time spent together – whether through engaging in meaningful conversation or having fun with each other – can go a long way in building up the connection, they said.

As we grow older, however, we also face competing demands for our time. We may be at different life stages where we would have to cater to other needs and responsibilities that demand our attention. 

Ms Jean Chen, director at Relationship Matters, which conducts counselling, workshops and team-building services, said that these preoccupations may include climbing the corporate ladder as a young working adult, balancing work and caring for children a bit later on in adulthood, or trying to build a retirement nest egg as an older adult.

Ms Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room, which provides counselling and coaching services, said that friendships grow easily through shared time and experiences when people are younger.

Conversely, having less time together as adults can make it harder to stay connected.

Having said that, reduced time together is just one aspect of a relationship dynamic.

Other factors such as possible differences in values, lifestyles, political opinions, career opinions or parenting styles may also put a strain on friendships, Ms Pong added.

People also evolve as they grow older.

Dr Shrutika Kapoor, counsellor at New Leaf Counselling and Integrative Health, which provides services to promote well-being, said that people's needs and expectations of a friendship may change and a misalignment of what they require out of it may also cause friends to drift apart.

ALIGNING NEEDS AND EXPECTATIONS

In reality, most of us just do not have as much time or energy to spend with friends dear to us as we would like, or even in the same way that we might have done when we were younger.

And it is normal that the nature of relationships and connections we share with friends evolves as we grow older, the experts said.

There is no need to despair over that. Being honest and vocal about what we expect or require, even as our needs change, could be a helpful first step in keeping friendships strong as we age.

For one thing, the same person might have different expectations of the various friendships they share with different people.

Dr Shrutika said that someone may have a few friends with whom they engage in deep conversations and also some other close friends with whom they just have fun.

“It doesn’t have to be one-size-fits-all. Different relationships have their own goals and needs, so it’s more about fulfilling these individual needs.”

One may calibrate these various types of friendships by having honest and open conversations with friends about their expectations, which can also allow for deeper connections, she added.

And having different goals or priorities for the friendship is not necessarily a relationship killer, the experts said. What is more crucial is being able to arrive at a compromise on how each other’s needs can be met in the friendship.

Ms Pong the counsellor said: “It is okay to have different goals or priorities. What is important is for each other to be respectful and to validate each other’s perspectives.

“For example, one friend may prefer frequent catch-ups, while another prefers occasional but authentic and deep conversations.

“By aligning through honest and kind communication, you develop a lasting friendship that respects both your needs.”

Agreeing, Ms Chen said: “It takes both hands to clap, so a friendship can become strong only when both parties are willing to give equal commitment to it.

“If your friend doesn’t respond the way you need your friend to, or if you are not willing to respond to your friend’s needs, then this may not be the bestie relationship that you are looking for. 

“A strong friendship is one where your friend will try to meet your needs and vice versa.”

BEING INTENTIONAL ABOUT STAYING IN EACH OTHER’S LIVES

Besides aligning needs and expectations with friends, there are also qualities such as trust, sincerity and intentionality that underpin all strong relationships, the experts said.

These show when one takes a genuine interest in the friend's lives and vice versa, whether it is by celebrating milestones, listening to each other during tough times, or simply by asking a friend how they are doing, showing care and validating their experiences, Ms Pong said.

“It is not about constant contact, but being emotionally present when you do meet,” she added.

Outside of spending time together, friends may also be intentional about staying connected, the experts said, acknowledging that even gestures of friendship online can be important at times.

Ms Chen added that one may continue to stay connected and emotionally supportive through phone calls, by exchanging text messages or through updates on social media channels.

Acknowledging the realities of having less time and more responsibilities as we age, the experts said that being intentional in connecting does not have to take a lot of effort.

Ms Pong said: “Staying connected does not require big gestures. Small, thoughtful acts like remembering each other’s birthdays can mean a great deal. It is a simple but powerful way of saying, ‘You are important to me.’ Sending a heartfelt birthday message or making time to celebrate shows your friend that they truly matter.”

Other simple gestures – such as sharing a funny meme via the phone, scheduling a quick call or even dropping a text message – can go some way towards maintaining the friendship and connection, even with everyone's busy schedules.

“When you prioritise these moments, you remind your friends how much they mean to you, keeping the bond strong and meaningful,” Ms Pong said.

Being available and giving emotional support also goes a long way in maintaining a strong friendship, the experts said.

This may be in the form of showing concern about a friend’s emotional landscape, providing a good listening ear or providing practical help such as offering to care for a friend’s pet when he or she is overseas, Ms Chen of Relationship Matters said.

Some friendships do have their seasons, the experts said.

In some cases, it is normal to meet or contact friends infrequently during busier periods of life, while still knowing that we can go back to each other and return to the friendship when it matters.

And should one wish to eventually return after a period of not interacting, it is important to be upfront.

One way to do so is by being honest about what it was that took you away from the friendship for a while and why you are trying to get back in touch, Dr Shrutika advised.

Ms Pong said: “When reconnecting, being genuine is key. A simple, heartfelt message like ‘I’ve been thinking about you and want to hear more about your current life’ can make all the difference. Such efforts keep friendships meaningful, no matter how much time has passed.”

In the case of close friendships that we may have neglected for a while – friends we hardly see and talk to – some form of apology may be helpful before returning to the friendship and reestablishing a connection, Ms Chen auggested.

“This is because absence does hurt a close friendship, so we need to soothe the pain first,” she explained.

Ultimately, all friendships require effort, even if this effort could look different in the various seasons of life.

“Building a long-term friendship is like constructing a house," Ms Pong said.

“The foundation is trust, and the cement that holds everything together is the emotional connection you share.

“Just as a house requires careful planning and maintenance to remain strong, friendships thrive when we invest time and effort into them.”